I’ve been given the keys to the office I work at because it’s the previous intern’s last working day, so after a quick lunch I headed straight back to the office to attempt to take my mind off the things it so desperately wants to cling on to and analyse endlessly.
As I sat here listening to some of my current favourite songs for the first time in a very long time, I found myself paying much more attention to the lyrics than usual. Having just gone through my first break-up, a lot of the songs that I have always loved and listened to suddenly took on a complete new meaning.
I cried while listening to songs that I’ve never cried at before, songs that you wouldn’t usually cry at, because they reminded me of what I had lost and, in some ways, what I never had. My voice cracked at songs in which the singer laments their actions that contributed to the end of the relationship, and I flat-out refused to listen to some of the songs that I couldn’t spend a car journey without playing. Even songs that had nothing to do with love had certain lyrics that I could apply to my current situation.
At one point, I came across one of my favourite Portuguese songs that came out over 10 years ago. Since then the band has broken up, the TV show they got their start on has been cancelled and one of the members lost his life in a car accident. Children of the current generation probably don’t know the band anymore, yet the song I just listened to is timeless. It sums up my current feelings in 4.5 minutes. I had trouble getting through that song.
You might be sitting there, reading this and thinking, “why the hell don’t you stop listening to the songs that are causing you pain?” You would have a valid point; I would’ve thought the exact same thing this time last week. But for me, right now, listening to these songs all the way through is helping me to face the situation, in the hope that soon I can start to heal.
In time, I will cry less and less at the songs that have taken on a new meaning to me. One day, I’ll stop crying altogether and this chapter of my life will be a distant memory. One day, these songs will go back to meaning what they used to, and I will be thankful that in listening to these songs I was able to confront my feelings from the start, no matter how much it hurts.
In confronting my feelings through listening to these songs, I’m also able to distract my mind; it sounds counterproductive but it enables me to focus on a general idea rather than pick apart and obsess over the details of the last few days, weeks and months.
It doesn’t matter how much every molecule in my body wants to fight for my relationship, because it would be selfish of me to cling on. Although I know that I would be much better if we were still together, it would be bittersweet because I know that he wouldn’t. There is no use trying to hold on to what you have already lost, just as there is no use trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
The title of this post is taken from 5 Seconds of Summer’s song Outer Space. Out of all the songs I’ve listened to today, this one comes the closest to describing the feeling of holding on to something that has already been lost, trying in vain to get back. The second part of the song, a small outro called Carry On, compliments Outer Space beautifully, as it talks about acceptance and moving forward.
Now that I know where I stand, I can’t wait for my own time to Carry On.
[Featured image is not my own. It is the cover art created by 5SOS for their song Outer Space/Carry On and I do not wish to claim it as my own]